Again and again and again

And again.

6/2/20261 min read

a woman covering her face with her hands

It's getting too frustrating. So much so that I need to make a move. I need some sort of plan. I don't like feeling like a 30-year-old schlub, living off my dad. It's getting to feel like groundhog day.

I had some scary results at the doctor's today, and it's put me in a terrible mood. The world feels upside down again. I feel alone again. I feel I can't relate to others and I feel deeply, deeply disgusting.

I want to find a life that feels good. I want so much to have my own space. To spread out, and create, and be free. But that's something that needs to happen in the right timing. So many times I've forced processes, and when I've arrived at something materially, I've not the soul to fill it. How do I temper my experience while also reaching for something? How do I keep things in balance? I'm struggling almost all the time with this. I can trust everyone/ I can trust no-one. I can charge into infinity/ I cannot move. I am invincible/ I am worthless.

I'm exhausted, and I'm making it so much harder for myself. The loneliness makes it all so much harder.

I feel dizzy, and misunderstood, and judged. I've been trying to figure it all out again without realising. It's so natural for my mind just to start buzzing.