An ode to Daisy

Daisy is my dream, and the prize I hope to receive once my dues are paid. When I close my eyes, I see her there waiting for me. Her gaze open, scared. She's waiting for me and she doesn't know why I'm not with her. In my worried heart, I believe she thinks I'm intentionally not with her. That she thinks I have a great control over this masquerade that is my life, simply because in her world, I hold such a great deal of power.

But it's not that way, my sweet Daisy. And I yearn for you as I yearn for the moment I can take a true deep breath. For the two are surely to occur in the same moment. My love, my starlight. You're the reason why I feel like I'm not invincible. Why I feel humbled and flawed in this world. For all I do, I can't do enough to have you. And until then, I have to live with the agony of living without. Dreaming of you, holding you, having you know that without any doubt, you are safe and you are my darling.

I hope, and I want to believe that things are well enough with you in the meantime. But I hear that you're almost always sick. With sores and antibiotics and yucky things that despite what everyone says - scream to me that you're not doing okay. That you're emotionally not okay. You're stressed. I say this because I know what it's like to live there, and to be forced to pretend you're okay while your body's turning against itself from the insides.

None should live under those conditions, darling. Munchausin-by-proxy, a disgusting disease. And I would whisk you out of there, if my keeper wasn't also the one keeping you. I've barely escaped from her grasp at this point - I'd risk both of us trying to get you out of there. Especially so, because I've never dared to cross her to such an extreme. Kidnapping you would be surely my demise. She's powerful beyond my understanding, and this has been before I've ever actively crossed her. To date, all my rebellions have been in the form of slowly removing myself from her grasp, and telling her the reasons for this. I've never punctured her extraneous world. And darling Daisy, I wonder what might happen if I did.

Anyone who might have a noticing eye would recognise the bond we share. Anyone with a noticing eye might recognise the free spirit in each of us, which together, ignites to some fiery miracle. To a seething gutter-crawler, this force is perceived as a threat. Something to be feared, cautioned. To all else: it's a secret sauce that the world needs.

For this reason, I have to believe we will be reunited again. I have to believe that this dire connection we share - my abundant love for you unlike I've experienced with any other - is a preface for a chapter that the universe is commanding should be so. Otherwise, my dear darling, I cannot fathom what might be. Let alone the loss of you, I would wonder what fabric this world could be made from, to play with two soft hearts in such a way.

For now, I pray for you, as much as I remember to pray. I look into the photo I have of you and I try to imagine you receiving the spirals of surging love I send out from my own heart. I hope that wherever you are, you feel it, and you know it's from me. And I hope you hear me say that baby girl, one day, we will be back together. And we will finally be able to rest, amongst the trees, with the babies, the love and the gentle quiet moments. We can go for runs and trials and eventually find ourselves in a life surrounded by friends. Because we deserve it. And you deserve it, my sweet child. I love you, until the days are done.