An ode to Laura

Laura, I'm so very sorry for what I've done. I don't know how I will begin to forgive myself. All I can do is apologise to you and try to make up for it. I'm not sure how to do that with you. I'm not sure how to come back from something like this, if there's any way to ever be different. I feel like this situation needed to happen, but maybe not in the terms it has. Maybe not to the extent that I had to hurt you. I beg you Laura to see how much I've loved you since I met you. How much I've put into you and us and how much I tried to lift you up. I did this because I loved you. It got mixed up because of my feelings. My feelings being feelings that are mine, my responsibility. I didn't adequately take care of my feelings, manage them, understand them, and that's why it all ended up blowing up like that. And I put that all on you. I'm so sorry. It shouldn't be this way. You shouldn't have to cop something like that from someone you thought you could trust. Someone you'd given so much to. Because you have been so kind and so generous with me, and I know how much you've loved me. I've just had so many things I've wanted to say to you, but no seeming way to say it. No courage to say it. I've wanted to help you bring in all the things that would make you happy, to take care of you, but through the process I've let myself become holier than thou, and pissed off with such great expectations on you. Of course, this has been a deflection process and I can only blame myself for this. The feelings I have had about myself that have led to something like this happening. It's insane how twisted I've had it. As if I'm supposed to save the world. I forgot through the process that I need others to save me too. And with that, I forgot to acknowledge all the ways you have been there for me. I forgot to appreciate you and to recognise that I need you as much as I've been thinking that you need me. I'm so sorry Laura. Even though I've said all this, I always thought of you highly. I just got a bit fucked up in the end there. And it's true that some long-standing feelings came out. But it shouldn't have come out that way. It shouldn't have. I guess I never knew how to express them before, to tell you how angry I've been at you for some things that I've felt. The feeling that I'm not able to express myself to you got so built up over time. The feeling that you're too vulnerable for me to be real with you. It got so hot that it ended up exploding like a volcano and the rash on me is now unavoidable.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I've no clue Laura how you're feeling and I'm scared to find out too. I'm scared to know how much I've hurt you and to admit to myself what I'm capable of. All I ever cared about from the start was bringing you a sense of joy and laughter and lightness, to help you to feel seen, to get to know you, and share things with you, and see you shine as brightly as I always knew you could. I've totally fucked this whole thing on it's head and it's made me scared of this part of myself. It's made me afraid of whether I can trust myself. It's making me rethink my whole journey and all the decisions I've made, and might continue to make if I don't completely re-journey through myself. But anyway, I don't think that you really care what's going on with me. I'm sure you hate me and have rallied-ally's holding pitchforks by your side. And in some fucked up way, that makes me happy. I think on some level, I've wanted you to be angry with me. Because I've wanted you to turn your sadness into anger all along. To punch it into the fucking sky. And maybe in some weird way, after so long and so much energy put into it, I would let that punching bag become me. Because I've blamed myself so much for the way life's let you down.

I hope that whatever comes of all of this, that it doesn't end up being all in vein. Because this has to have been for something. All we've been through has to have been for something. i really hope we can find a way into the future. One where you can tell me I'm a bitch and fucking horrible and horrendous and I can tell you to wake the fuck up. Ur a bad bitch Laura, and it's about time the world sees it. Larizza Larizza Larizza. Maaaaaaaaaa-Nizza.

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