Bye, Dad

The irony is, my dad abandoned us as kids to pursue his business to the bitter end. Now it's a beaming success, he's finally having all the glory that comes with that. But he's also getting older, and so it's all heading to a crucial point where the mission is turning back in on itself. He has to figure out his retirement plan. How does he conclude this life-long journey in a way that makes it all feel worthwhile? Has he enjoyed the ride enough for that to be just so? Will he ever be satisfied with his choices? Is he forced only now to truly heed the impact of decisions he's made. What succession plan could ever be worth all he's put into this thing, and how important he's finally proved himself to be?

I'm here visiting dad, and he's realised how much of my growing-up he's missed out on. How little he knows about me and the life I've led. And at this time, there's nothing he more desperately wants than to have a succession plan for his business, and to be close to me. The problem is, while he hasn't been there to watch me grow, he also hasn't been there to grow alongside me. He's not someone I want to be close with, even though I came here to try. Even though I have a lot of inherent love for him. Compassion for him. Pride that he's my dad. I see his story and his line and I can gratefully say now that I've got that piece, that I really needed to have, for myself. I won't speak in finalities because I know that's not healthy, but at least at this time, I am satisfied with the time I've spent here. And moreso, I'm tired of being here. I don't like the guy, or the vibes I've experienced in his world. It feels icky and archaic and downright misogynistic.

The amount of times he's spoken of a middle-aged woman distastefully, and insisted on adding the detail that she's single and divorced and nobody would marry her, is just too much to consider. Once was a shock, and I've since realised it's a rhetoric he has. And that shit makes me wanna puke. And at this time, I am struggling my mightiest to hold back the fury I've got when I consider this sliver of his personality. It just makes me wanna throw the whole bunch out.

He texted me today to remind me it's my mum's birthday. Since I've arrived here, he's taken some role as the sweet little guardian fairy he believes he might be, reminding me of mother's day and now mum's birthday. As if I've not grown up strictly aware of these things, having grown up with mum as a single parent to me. He's told me I can tell him anything. But of course, he speaks in speeches. They start out in genuine conversation but give him a couple seconds and he's swiped you out of frame and it's as if he's performing for some audience. Some group that's applauding him and his wonderful journey - the way it is told by him.

He lives in a dire fantasy. And I've empathised with that man, but I'm done giving him my power. And that's the tricky line, isn't it. Because I can be too understanding and gracious, trying not to take my anger out on other people, and then I can be a downright doormat. Which will it be? I don't want anger. But I need that guy to get out of my vibe. I'm done with him. I've no interest in being around him. The only way to survive it is to brainwash myself and allow myself to be brainwashed by him, and that's no game I'm interested in. Sorry dude. You've got some genuine parts. Plenty, actually. But I am exhausted from trying to play in your world. I'm tired of being your pet. Of bouncing between whether I can trust you or not. Of putting my faith in you, and allowing myself to ignore the horrible things you say and do that don't align with me and my core values. How can I do that to myself? What do I stand for?

I understand I'm very vulnerable, and that's okay. I've come here in a vulnerable position, to explore my heritage, re-acquaint with my birth father and country, and meet all of my father's people. I'm seriously standing alone here. But wow. I'm tired. I decided I'm not cut out for this. Trying to be all things to all people. Fitting into all worlds, holding good graces, eternal forgiveness, unconditional love. Sure, I love my dad, but I'm not dishing out anymore. Not to a dude who's asleep, and offensive to my people. What kind of masochism is that?

At this time, I'm just hoping for some answers to point me in some direction that will feel safe and stable. To a place, people, where I don't need to fight in order to justify myself every given day. I want to feel good, safe, alive, and excited. I wanna feel myself shine and soar and feel blissful about being me, and living in my world. I know this all sounds fanatical, but it feels so important for me right now. I've allowed myself to go so deep into unknown territory, just in order to find some secret piece that's at the bottom of the sea. But I can't dwell down there. I don't belong down there. I'm scared down here! It dark.

So yeah. The dude ain't finding any successor in me. He's considering where to next now. He's getting older and he wants to live for himself, do things he hasn't had a chance to do. But he's tied to this business that's even harder to give up because he sacrificed so much in order to have it. Poor bugger. I hope it works out for him. I really do. And I'm very grateful to him for his generosity (even though over-all I feel I've given more energetically over this tiresome reunion). I just don't see how he could expect me to be his winning angel when I've no foundation with the dude. And the way he's approaching our reunion is just so not it. I'm feeling like it can't be. And I empathise with him on those reasons. His past, his trauma, etc. His desperate need to provide for his brother. His need to make something big, prove himself to the world, prove himself as a man, etcetera. He's trapped in all of that, and the price he's had to pay, and will continue to pay, is that that's his legacy. The business is his legacy. The rest, is fluff. Lest he one day wakes up and can take a real look at things.

But yeah. Anyway. I need not harp on. Like I said, I just want to move on. No bad blood, just good memories, gratitude, and exiting when one knows it's time. Guh-bye!

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