Do you ever just wanna lay in bed and eat snacks?

It's like - the whole world's out there. People are out there. Parties, friends, and probably the whole life I've been waiting for. And yet - girl can't get herself from leaving the house. It's just too comfy in my bed. And with an endless supply of edible things, why should I?

I've been telling myself to get to the gym, to get to yoga, to get on the salads, to fast a little in the evenings. But I just can't do it. All I wanna do is stay in bed wondering why things aren't changing for me.

Tell me, how far can a human get when they've no life force to drive them? Sure, I can note all the healthy things I ought to do - but if my body's not agreeing, we have no mojo baby. There's just no getting out of it.

I tell myself these moments are fleeting, actively forgetting that I've probably been feeling this way for...years?

I always have a reason to blame, it's always external, or at least me saying that I need time to process the externalities. Lately I've been wondering if it's time I just accept this, since it's been eight years since someone told me the patterns I have are like a grandma, and things surely have not been getting any better.

Is it chronic fatigue? Is it sensitivity, empathy? Is this world just becoming less and less possible for me to function in, at least for the state of personal authenticity I refuse to leave behind? Would everything be resolved if I just jump back right into square, forgetting all the things that feel right for me? At least then I'd probably have immense external activity to distract myself with.

For now, I stay in bed, and I wait for answers. I make myself probably fat, although my dysmorphia is such that I'd not be certain if I looked in the mirror.

The longer I descend down here, the further I get from others, too. And that sorta propells me further into the abyss. The self-loathing, the isolation. But you know, the good thing about this place is that there's also a great cloud of apathy, that I can check into the moment it all gets too much. I can grab some choccy, grab my blanky and my book, and simply hide.