I have...arrived???

How do I get into writing about how I feel now? It's so strange, all the different states I find myself in. I feel I zoom out so much sometimes I've got nothing to reflect upon. But then, somehow, when I really wriggle around, I can usually find something to matter about.

I'm wondering today what's the right path. For a change! Lols. I'm wondering what feels right for me, what I can follow. Maybe this is my foolish ways at it again, trying to find a scripture to subscribe to, rather than trusting the moment I'm in, and nothing else. It's humankind to want to settle on something though, no?

My big question at the moment is a dichotomy, which should be a signal to me I'm in that grave place again. It seems a choice between worlds. An exclusive favouritism, needing me to cast out some version of things in order to choose another. With that is grief, and the fear of making an irreversible mistake.

Does it need to be this way? Can I continue drifting along, seeing how things feel? I much like drifting, but it feels like the physical world wants me to settle onto something. To choose some concrete path. Commit to something. It feels like committing to something and following it out of goodness, may lead to something sustainably good for me. But I'm skeptical of the options. I'm doubting who I can trust, who exists down the merry road.

And so, I'm brought back here, to my always-faithful canvas. Where I can put out everything just as I feel, and so long as I only do that and don't try to contrive anything more, I ought to be on a safe and authentic journey.

It might be that the path for me is one to carve out for myself, however could I take some wisdom from those other? I'm mindful of only doing this when it feels right for me, and in a manner that feels right for me. This can be difficult for me sometimes, because it's not straightforward. I need to be in a centred and intuitive space, and not one where I'm dissolving into the wish of something miraculous. I must, at all times, be discerning. As boring and responsible as it is. I must do it. For my own good, of course. Because the flailing, the lack of groundedness, is the worst feeling for me of all. I've come to realise this, this week. As much as I love to dabble in the unorthodox, I simply cannot do it without some credit of my own. It feels like buying on an empty wallet then, and that's not a good idea.Because the purchase seems to only be fraught with doubt - an energy that undoes itself. And so, after all, the purchase was futile to begin with.

I need to learn how to centre myself before I venture out into the abyss. Tie myself to the spacecraft, if you will. Make sure I've got the oxygen to navigate me through. Cause it's fucking nuts out here. It looks all like smiling faces, manicured lawns and dosile temperaments, but it's a shitstorm, and only the most finely-tuned intuitists can really know how to get through. I know, because I've felt it. You might be in a theatre full of likeminded people, but only few can you really trust to connect you to your highest excitement and potential. The rest, while ought not to be perceived as a threat, must be strictly blocked for their energy can totally lead you astray. And that's what I'm learning. That discernment. For there's traps and tricks the moment you turn your blinders off.

But then, at the same time, it's fucking exhausting to always be on. How can we move through life and get our social needs met when we're constantly distinguishing? That's when friends and family are fundamental, isn't it? That's when we absolutely need to cultivate a group of people we know very well we are safe to switch off to. That stuff takes time. And that stuff, I believe, is curated with the help of the universe. Because we all need our people to survive.

Right now, I'm seeing myself doing it again. Analysing and chewing until the gum turns to rock. It's not nice. Blegh.

What am I feeling right now? I'm strong with desire at the minute. Desire to have. Desire to have friends. Desire to have my mega-lover with me. Desire to be---->there. To arrive. But what if I tell myself I have arrived? What if I tune my frequency to arrival? I'm there already. If I say that, what does that do? I have arrived.

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