Moving on

As I study counselling and am faced with examples of people who are struggling in depression, all I can think about is my mum. An incredible urge overcomes me to message her, to tell her how much I love her. To lift her up and spin her and make everything good for her.

For me. For me. Make everything good for me? Do I love her because it works out for me if I do? Does it make me feel better by loving her? By being loved by her? Does it heal some aspect in myself to love her?

What is it that drives me her way? What is it that makes me want to pick her up and save her? And make everything good for her?

It's because I love her, dammit. And I love Laura, dammit.

But something twisted happens in the journey. There's something that hits me on my way there, or when I'm there. It becomes icky. Is it the parts of me that don't love myself? Sometimes, writing out the question cancels it out. Because then I'm faced too directly with it, and my instinct comes through, which is to ignore it.

The truth is, I need connection. I need activity, I need people, I need energy, I need love. And my needs weren't met as a kid growing up.

But where does it begin? Where does it end? I lose myself very easily. I want that guy to come find me so we can get acquainted and fuck. But what's that about? What's that energy? What are all these energies? They swirl around and they torment me. They plague me for their attention. Is attention mutual? Do you have to be a totally open, porous vessel in order to hold the attention of others? Do you need to love openly for this process to happen? Do you need to love yourself?

WHat's this situation? This paradox with mum? It's beckoning me so hard that doofus of a cocksucker, but how do I manage it all? How do I manage this? This field I'm in. People everywhere. I'm so present, and so alluring, and it's only because I'm allowing myself to be allured. How do I navigate this? Or do I simply let the current take me like a salmon.

I've been berating myself for the longest time for relationships ending. Friendships, cycles, etc etc. But isn't that life? Haven't I been doing my best all along trying to get through all this shit as it flies at me? My mum is a big influencer on my journey. She's shaped a lot of my feelings about everything. Must I defy her to survive? Because I'm tired of being down and out about it all. Berating myself for "mistakes", when they're the only way I've learned the true lessons. How do I move through all this? How do I know where to go next?

I nee to be careful, because I can feel the two sides of me integrating, and I want neither to take hold. I should reword that sentence: I want the two sides of me to integrate, however, my patterns are so that each side resists, one shrinking while the other dominates, and back and forth while the whole machine remains sickly moving on. I'm done with this. I'd like it all to flow like the beautiful yin-yang I am. But how is this to be?

Because while I'm excusing my past behaviours, forgiving myself etc etc, I can also get lost in this process. Justifying to myself and climbing up and up on that mighty tower of justification, which allows me to feel okay about the past. But does it really enable me to move through it? To learn from it?

I've got so much under my belt, but it feels like the choices are either hard weaponry or plush toys. There's no dope spec fancy unified gadget or wand or something symbolic of an alchemised power. And THAT's what I'm aiming for. Something that speaks itself through the wisdom of all the universe. Maybe I'm aiming too high [lols] but it truly seems possible. To find that balance, to find that recognition. To step forward with a force that not only is in rapture of the world around it, but is carefully aware of keeping the oil balanced delicately in the teaspoon [siddhartha ref].

I feel very powerful in the world, or I feel extremely susceptible to it. I'm scared of what I could do, and then I'm scared of losing myself into others. How do I remain present within myself while moving through? How do I know what to go after?

It's eeeeeeeky where I'm at right now, because I can feel that my entire system is needing, and perhaps already going through, an utter total overhaul-upgrade. The software is delicately expired and it's just time for new information. But I'm not ready. Or it feels that I'm not. but I am, you know. It just feels like I'm not ready because I've got so much to do. But in reality, this is perhaps one point in my life where I don't need to do anything. It's just a bit strange. I'm living off my dad. Maybe that's what dad's are for, and maybe that's what once-absent dad's are for in redemption. Maybe I just need to accept that this is my journey for now, and not to worry myself too much about it. Ultimately, it all has to come back down to the fact that dad's here for me now, and I need him. And the universe has brought me here because I'm supposed to be here. In all the trials and tribulations, I'm supposed to be here. It is in fact exactly where I am and therefore what I need. I just don't feel I'm supposed to leave yet, although I've had an impending sense that I've been needing to leave something. Much to my current dismay, I'm wondering if the thing I'm leaving is the very comfortable home I've been living in all this time. The skin and the shield and the orb I've been moving about in all along.

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