New day, new things to say.

Starting up today felt different. I had a strange sense that everything would be better. Something about my musing yesterday, and perhaps some realisations out of the despair I've felt the past days, has led to some vague cloud of hope. If I can get myself out of the place I was in, then I can take myself even further, right?

I can't think too much about the ins and outs, or allow my mind to get into that pattern of predicting everything again. That's when I feel myself slipping. But I can try to notice how I actually do feel different, and that that feeling in itself is enough.

Since I considered leaving here, I started to mourn it. Thinking about all the things I wanted to do here, wondering if I am really ready to go. The best part is that I let go. Well, to a large degree I did. I still want to sort out my finances, feel like I'm building some solid ground. But I understand I can't force that process, and even if I'm feeling like there's no ground beneath me due to the immense pressure of needing to act, that's not actually the case. It's all stuff brought on by me.

As hard as it is, I need to just take my foot off the pedal and try to enjoy things as much as I can. And from that place, let the magic find me. I've been digging so furiously for the magic, that I totally forgot the way it operates. In the absence is the only place to notice it. So I gotta try to slow down and let it in, and trust that this is all happening the way that it's meant to.