To choose a lover who agonises

Why do I go for people who have me feeling invisible, sick, worthless? Why do I feel this way, in any case? Can I fully blame them? Is there some part fault I must bestow upon myself?

Sure, I do choose these people. And yes, I choose to remain in their company, far past the point where I ought to have recognised how disgusting being near them felt inside. But did I really notice like I should have? Or was I all along, run by some other more powerful force, that had me forego any sense of what my needs were, and whether they were being met?

Again and again, I find myself in these cycles. And all along, I try to take the space I need in order to get my emotions in check, to find out why things feel a bit off. The most difficult part perhaps, as I have recently realised, is that my difficulties with my mother often come through and mix and mingle with the relationship, such that I've no clue whether she's bad news or them or both or neither! How can I last in such an environment? One thing is for sure - I need a lover to walk my life with. Desperately. I know I shouldn't be using that word, but man, it's just being honest. I need them. Someone to sit with and be like, holy fuq, this shit's MAD. Lets just chill together for a while before we go back out there.

I don't want someone to spite my mother. In fact, I don't want her to have anything to do with any of it. As much as she's tried to get involved in the past, and as much as I've let her. It's just too yucky now for me to continue. And I'm getting so tired of how boring it is. I realised I became the whiny girl in my relationships, complaining of my disempowering mother, while also speculating about the person I was complaining to. Then, when the obviously less enduring relationship would falter, I would go running to mum to seek solace. Which is a total cop-out.

The thing I've really needed to realise is that my relationship with mum is actually not that strong. Or, should I put it, requiring such a dedication as I've given it. Or any expectations that it would endure through my life, as a constant just the same as my own personal constant life force will be. Just because she's been so, doesn't mean she will continue so, eh?

But this is met with immense immediate guilt, and sadness. Because I love her deeply, and I've spent over a decade painfully pulling away from the place we used to be. A place I still pray for, but one where I feel valued, understood, and respected. But then I think: is that even possible? Could the two go together? The 'initial place' I'm speaking of is how things were between us when I was growing up. Inseparable. Mum was my absolute idol. She was on a pedestal. While I hated and mistrusted the world, mum was the one I could believe in. The one I could rest with.

To go from that place, to realising she actually might not have my best interest at heart - is still something I'm grappling with coming to terms with. It's not something I'm ready to believe just yet. Not only because she's scaffolded this reality around me where she's an absolute saint, and any contrary view is one of self-centred, manipulated curation. When in actual fact, she's the one who's been manipulating me all along.

My mother has victimised herself, turned the world against her, and brought me along as a lap puppy to learn and adopt the same ways. As I started doing things she disagreed with, she lamented me, she pulled out whatever she could to shame and blame me. Mostly, she brought in the little family members I have.

I tell myself that I have to stay strong, and that there's simply no going back now. I tell myself that the others will wake up in their due time, as they're meant to. That the only thing I can do is continue to walk on in my truth, even if it feels delicate and cold. I have to believe that it's leading me to a place where it'll all make sense. A place that will reward me for what I've put in to get there. I shouldn't, but I really feel entitled to some grace once I land. Because this has been a real fucking difficult road, I tell ya. And I need to truly feel from the universe that I've done the right thing by anguishing through it all for so long.

And here I go - I start about the lovers, and it ends up about the mother. Ain't that a joke.