Waking up ain't easy

I need to write about waking up. Because I'm sick of doing it and feeling like the world is against me, the moment my day's supposed to start. It feels like the bleakest point from which any possibilities could come. How does one eradicate wake-up dread? With a flashy workout routine? If I was a runner, would that distract me enough that there'd be no time to think of what a shitbag I am?

My life feels like, holy fuck, this is what we've got? I yearn for someone I can lean on. I yearn for some love from my mother. But I can't get that.

I'm thirty, and I'm living with my dad, and I've no work, or any ideas how to get into work. I have such great expectations for myself. I should be doing some amazing thing. But I don't know what the thing is. I know at least that it shouldn't feel this shit.

I've a strong urge to run far away, but I don't know where to. Coming here was an escape in itself. And now I'm here, I'm wondering, what comes next? Am I getting out of it what I want to? Is it nourishing me like I thought it would?

It feels that it's not. But would that be different if things were tip top with ma?

What am I running from? What am I hoping to find? Really, it's a great miracle. Who goes out chasing miracles? Isn't that insanity? Aren't miracles the things that fall into your path when you're not expecting them?

Anyway. I feel stagnant. I feel a bit tired of the company I've been sitting around at lunches and dinners. The same people, the same boring shite conversations. They're being kind to me, but bleh - is that all my life is now?

What's holding me back? I feel I don't have enough sense of my feelings to have a clue really. I feel far too disempowered by it all.